Being tough all the time might be hurting your health and relationships more than you realize.
In today’s world, there’s a pervasive message that in order to succeed, we must push ourselves to the limit, suppress vulnerability, and “soldier up.” Whether it’s at work, in personal struggles, or in the face of life’s challenges, we’re encouraged to toughen up, push through the pain, and never show weakness.
But what happens when this mindset becomes a lifestyle? While it might seem like the best way to manage stress and achieve goals, constantly “soldiering up” can take a heavy toll on both your body and your relationships.
What’s the Real Cost of Soldiering Up?
The Hidden Cost to Your Nervous System
Your nervous system is designed to manage stress, but only in short bursts. The “fight, flight, or freeze” response is an evolutionary tool for facing immediate danger. However, when we stay in that heightened state for too long—constantly striving, suppressing emotions, and pushing through without rest—the effects can be devastating.
Living in constant soldier mode might seem like the only way to "get things done," but the toll it takes on your nervous system is immense. When you suppress your natural, softer energy and push yourself to perform at a hyper-masculine level, your body gets stuck in a cycle of chronic stress. You’re always on guard, always "on," and never truly allowing yourself to rest.
The constant production of stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline leaves you anxious, tense, and physically drained. You feel emotionally distant, not just from others but from yourself. You lose touch with the softer, more intuitive aspects of your personality that are vital for self-care and emotional balance. You start to feel stuck—unable to switch off and let go.
Chronic stress, caused by never allowing yourself to fully relax or acknowledge your emotional needs, can lead to:
Chronic Stress & Burnout: When the nervous system is constantly on high alert, it wears down. Stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline are constantly elevated, leading to burnout, anxiety, and trouble relaxing even when the danger has passed.
Physical Symptoms: Chronic stress often shows up physically, causing tension headaches, muscle stiffness, digestive issues, and even long-term cardiovascular risks.
Emotional Numbness: Over time, the constant need to be tough and “on” can numb your emotions. You may feel disconnected from your feelings and those around you.
How Soldiering Up Affects Your Relationships
While pushing through challenges may feel like the right or only choice, it often creates barriers in your personal relationships.
When you’re always in soldier mode, you’re not just pushing yourself—you’re pushing your loved ones away, too.
By continually suppressing your vulnerability and avoiding reliance on your partner, friends or your family, you deny them the opportunity to support you.
This dynamic can create distance between you and your loved ones. They might start to feel helpless, frustrated, or even resentful, as they sense that their love and care are being rejected. On the other hand, you might feel isolated, believing that if you don’t do everything yourself, you’re somehow weak or incapable. But in reality, this emotional distance isn’t just hurting your partner—it’s hurting you too.
Constantly staying in "soldier mode" not only isolates you but also pushes loved ones away, denying them the chance to support you.
When you are unable to be vulnerable and let others in, it leads to a breakdown in emotional intimacy. Here’s how:
Emotional Disconnection: Suppressing your feelings to appear strong can lead to emotional isolation. The people around you, especially loved ones, may feel shut out or unable to connect with you on a deeper level.
Erosion of Empathy: Over time, this mindset can make it harder to relate to others’ struggles, creating a barrier to deeper understanding and support.
Unshared Burdens: Carrying everything on your own may seem like a sign of strength, but it can also cause tension in relationships. By not allowing others to support you, you create a dynamic where your loved ones feel unneeded or untrusted.
Communication Breakdowns & Misunderstandings: If you are always soldiering up and not showing your true emotions, your partner or friends may misinterpret your behavior as indifference or coldness, leading to frustration and misunderstandings.
The Erosion of Intimacy
Emotional intimacy thrives when both partners feel safe enough to be vulnerable and open. But if you have adopted the mindset of "soldiering up," there’s no room for this kind of intimacy. You become emotionally distant, not because you don’t love your partner, but because you’ve learned to believe that being strong means doing everything on your own and never showing weakness.
This disconnect creates a barrier. Your partner may feel like he’s walking on eggshells, unsure of how to support you, while you feel more and more disconnected from him, thinking that you have to do it all yourself. Over time, this can lead to frustration, misunderstandings, and even resentment. The love that once felt so close begins to feel distant and strained.
Allowing Yourself to Be Vulnerable
Breaking out of this cycle of soldiering up requires courage—not to push harder, but to soften. It’s about embracing your humanity, not as a weakness but as a strength. When you allow yourself to be vulnerable, you create space for your partner to step into his masculine energy and offer the care, protection, and support that he longs to give you.
Being vulnerable doesn’t mean being weak—it means acknowledging that you don’t have to do everything alone. It’s about trusting that your partner is there to share the load, to support you, and to hold you when the world gets too heavy.
How to Shift the Dynamic
Let Go of the Need for Perfection: You don’t have to always have it together. Letting go of the need to "soldier up" opens the door to greater emotional connection and relief from the constant pressure to perform.
Open Up to Loved Ones: Allow yourself to be soft, to feel, and to express those feelings. Sharing your struggles—even in small ways—can strengthen trust and deepen your connections. Vulnerability isn’t weakness; it’s a bridge to intimacy.
Accept Support: Lean on your partner, friends, family, or counselors. Delegating emotional or practical burdens can relieve stress and improve relationship dynamics.
Regulate Your Nervous System: Incorporate mindfulness, breathwork, and regular exercise into your routine to help restore balance and ease chronic stress.
Practice Self-Care: When you push yourself to always be strong, your body suffers. Take the time to rest, to recharge, and to nurture yourself. Self-care isn’t indulgence; it’s a necessity for your well-being.
Final Thoughts
"Soldiering up" might get you through the storm, but it’s not a sustainable way to live. By learning to balance strength with vulnerability, you can preserve your mental health, rebuild emotional bridges, and foster resilience that supports—not harms—your relationships.